So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
