great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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