D3 body, D1 cock
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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