Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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