im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
