She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
