you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
What drink are we having for lunch?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
