Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
