I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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