Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize