did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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