Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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