So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
