No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
