Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
