I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
