a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize