i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
