Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
