ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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