the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize