rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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