Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
