So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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