my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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