Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
