I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
