I cockslap morals
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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