he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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