New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
