saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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