I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I supernannyed him into submission
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
