That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
