o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
