I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
