i think my tv is drunk
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
