I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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