Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
