dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I need a beard to bite.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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