Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
