I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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