You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
