Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
