Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You ruined the universe
Randomize
