did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
