I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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