I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
