dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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