Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
