Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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