My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we made out on top of his cat.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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