Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
don't judge my taste in strippers
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
