Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
