Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
