You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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