I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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