my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There's always time for handjobs
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize