Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
