Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
