You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
