thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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