Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
