my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize