how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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